Adventures In Wilmington

Every few months or so I meet my friend Grace for dinner at the Max & Erma's in Wilmington, Ohio. It's about halfway between my house in Columbus and Grace's apartment in Cincinnati, and the staff don't seem to care that we sit at the table gabbing for hours on end. Also? Their cheese skewers are KILLER.

So Friday, after I spent the day running errands and snuggling that baby, I drove down to meet
Grace. We walked in and the lobby was packed with people. Packed! We asked the 17-year old hostess how long the wait would be and she said over an hour. We asked if we could eat in the bar and she said the wait was just as long for the bar. Since it was already late and we were both an hour from home we asked for directions to another restaurant.

Hostess: There's a Damon's in Wilmington.
Me: Oh cool. That'll work. Can you tell us how to get there?
Ho: Yeah, totally. Just go straight.

(pregnant pause)

Me: Straight? You mean out of the parking lot?
Ho: Yeah, but then you get to the main road and you just keep going straight.
Me: In which direction?
Ho: Toward town.
Me: ...and which way is that?
Ho: Here, I'll draw you a map.
Me: Yes! Great.
Ho: Okay, so here's we.
Me: ... (wtf? Here's WE?)
Ho:
And like, here's Dairy Queen, so you go out and you go straight. And then you keep going straight. So you go straight and go straight and you'll pass some apartments.
Me: Okay...
Ho: So like, here's the apartments and you go straight and then there's a road and you keep going and then you turn.
Me: Wait. Where do we turn?
Ho: At the stop sign.
Me: Okay.
Ho: So you turn and keep going.
Me: Which way do we turn?
Ho: Right. And then you go and there are lights and you turn and you keep going and then you're there!
Me: Hold on. When you say lights do you mean street lights? City lights? Stop lights?
Ho: Traffic lights. There's three. So then you turn left on that road.
Me: At the third light? (Which turned out to be Main Street. What the hell? Why not just say "Turn right on Main Street"?)
Ho: Yeah and then you go straight and you're there. Got it?


Are you confused yet? That's okay -- looking at the map will help!



See you start there in the middle, at WE, and then you pass the DQ, and go straight on 68. Then you pass the squiggles (aka apartments) and turn right at the stop sign but -- oops! -- she ran out of room so now the map picks up on the left side of the paper. Still with me? Those squares? Those are the traffic lights. Don't ask me why that last one has four squares instead of three because I HAVE NO IDEA. Then you make a left and sort of figure it out for yourself.

Thankfully Grace and I made it there in one piece, even though all of that time "going straight" actually meant driving into the black of night down a road in the middle of nowhere. It felt like something out of Blair Witch Project. I don't do well with the quiet and the dark and the driving for miles down endless stretches of road without passing a single car, but despite the poor delivery the hostess did manage to get us to the right place (a competing restaurant no less!). And it's just as easy to dish about boys and work and people we don't like at Damon's, even if they don't have the awesome cheese skewers.